Saying goodbye and departing a friend’s home may be a simple act in America, but in Ireland there is an unwritten code of honor that guides farewell rituals.
There are superstitions that must be adhered to, or God forbid you may draw some form of ill fate upon your unsuspecting self.
I always remember my mother’s superstitions about a first visit to a new friend’s home.
She advised me to always leave by the door through which I first entered.
I have arrived at parties in the U.S. where all the guests are streaming through an open garage door. Try as I might to forget obsolete traditions of my youth, my unwilling feet always lead me to the front door of each and every home I visit.
I find it very difficult to arrive non-chalantly through a back door with an enthusiastic announcement of my arrival. For me, the ding dong of a door bell wards off those bad luck spirits ruling over ancient Irish greeting rituals.
And then of course there is the issue of which door I may leave through without bringing ill luck my way.
My mother’s words return and you know you should never ignore your mother.
Leave by the door through which you entered on your first visit to a home.
If I go in through an open garage when I arrive in daylight, it can be a little awkward to ask to exit through the garage, if it’s all closed up at the end of a night’s festivities.
Oh the dilemmas of carrying old cultural ways all the way to a new land.
And then there is the whole drama of bidding farewell to guests in my own home.
Unsuspecting American guests might announce they are about to leave, and try to slip out the back door or through the yard unnoticed.
Not in my Irish American home!
Guests must be escorted to the front door for a proper goodbye and thank you. Even my kids know they should join the farewell party as we move out to the porch.
Into the bargain we stand there and wave goodbye as your car departs down the street. Our front door does not close until you have officially departed. I know my neighbors think I’m crazy, but what can I say. I’m Irish.
In Ireland farewells can go on and on. Deep conversations are launched at the door. A quick exit is very difficult, so plan your departure with plenty of time to spare.
Now recently I learned of an American term called ‘an Irish goodbye’. This phenomenon is also called ghosting, and refers to leaving a social gathering without saying your farewells.
I never heard of this expression in Ireland. Perhaps it evolved in the U.S., as those in the know slipped out the back door, to avoid the infamously prolonged real Irish goodbye.
Shakespeare may have summed it all up when he said “parting is such sweet sorrow,” but in Ireland parting is full of superstition, and endless chat.
If you know of any other Irish superstitions regarding the rituals of coming and going, please feel free to tell us in the comment section below.
And so, without any more fuss, I bid you all farewell this cold and wintry January evening.
Slán agus beannacht,
(Goodbye and blessings)
Irish American
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I have to laugh Mairead, we do the same thing here. There is almost as much conversation at the door to say good bye as there was the entire visit! We walk our guests to the door, go out on the front steps with them in the cold, and wave to them as they drive off, some of them acknowledging us with a beep of their horn. I suppose we just hate to see a good thing come to an end, especially a lovely evening with family or friends.
Patricia – It’s an Irish thing. These prolonged goodbyes are part and parcel of who we are. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who makes a big deal of saying goodbye. My kids have even climbed into the back of my husband’s truck to wave goodbye to guests. I wonder if they will continue this tradition in years to come.
All the best,
Mairéad
I think they will!
I sure hope they do!
I loved your remark, ” I know my neighbors think I’m crazy, but what can I say I’m Irish!” I didn’t realize I was carrying on tradition, we always walk friends to the door when they are leaving for hugs and goodby. Must be the Murphy part of my upbringing. I so love your blog…….
Pat – Walking guests to the door is definitely an Irish thing. I’m so glad to know you too carry on this tradition. With a name like Murphy in your heritage, these Irish ways are sure to survive.
All the best,
Mairéad
Oh my goodness!! I do that thing where I stand out and see anyone and everyone off at the outside of my front door until they drive off. I actually HATE it when I leave a friend’s home and they shut the door behind me…….it feels so cold and unfeeling!! I am VERY Irish!! Indeed!
Elizabeth Ann – You most definitely are very Irish when you look forward to a really meaningful farewell. We send our blessings with our guests as they go on their way.
Best wishes,
Mairéad
I love this topic! I still do this, it was just how my parents taught me. My dad who is 88 years old still continues with the long goodbyes. We’re Murphys with a long list of Irish ancestry. Love your blog!
Donna – Thanks so much for your kind words about my blog. These old ways were brought to America by our ancestors and it’s lovely to hear they continue to this very day.
All the best,
Mairéad
Then there is the quick cup of tea, Mairead.
I’m just finishing the shoveling, nice light powdery stuff, not bad at all. I’ll take two feet of powdery stuff to 10 inches of the snowman making variety. That heavy stuff is the most fun to play with but the nastiest to shovel,
Cheers,
Brian.
Brian – The quick cup of tea or the cuppa tea in the hand is a topic for a whole book. I’m glad to hear you didn’t get inundated with mountains of wet soggy snow. Don’t like shoveling that stuff at all. When I lived in Elmira there was snow on the ground for 4 straight months. I shoveled plenty of it.
Best wishes and stay warm,
Mairead
Love these bidding farewell rituals, Mairead. Goodbyes at our house can be kind of long, too. And I like to stand and wave loved ones goodbye as they drive away. I guess my Irish roots are at work after all! 🙂
Cheryl – Waving goodbye is such a lovely warm thing to do. Sends our blessings home with our guests, I believe.
All the best,
Mairead
“In Ireland farewells can go on and on. Deep conversations are launched at the door. A quick exit is very difficult, so plan your departure with plenty of time to spare.” That describes us to a “T”. So much so that it
is applied to the telephone for my long distance Aunt! It is extra fun to know our ways aren’t only because we are gabby. It’s amazing how much you explain to us about ourselves, thank you as always.
Penny – I’m so glad you enjoy my ramblings about our Irish quirks and traits. Thanks so much for checking out my posts, and for joining our conversation on all things Irish and Irish American. I learn so much for readers.
Best wishes,
Mairéad
I’m Portuguese Brazilian (with a Celtic background), and I feel we have the same issue about farewell: no waving and leaving, it keeps going on and on and on around the door. My family’s old Portuguese traditions sometimes look so… Irish 🙂
Nanna – It’s nice to hear that old Portuguese traditions are similar to some of our old Irish ways. Thanks so much for checking out this little piece about how we say goodbye in Ireland.
All the best,
Mairéad
Mairead, I loved this post! My dad was one of those slip-out-the-back-door kind of guys! He didn’t like a lot of fuss about his arrival or departure or, come to think of it, his presence. And visitors to his home would be surprised when at some point in the evening he simply disappeared. When he was ready to go to bed, he would just slip away.
Hi Jean – Thanks for this lovely little story about your Dad. Many, like him do not appreciate a fuss around their comings and goings. An Irish farewell might not have suited him at all.
All the best,
Mairéad
Hello! I’m so thankful I ran across your blog! A number of my ancestral lines were Irish but we’ve been here for at least 150-175 years or more. I was absolutely amazed to find a number of things you’ve mentioned in your blog as Irish tradition that I was raised with…including this one of the entire family escorting guests to the door and standing on the porch waving until they’ve driven away. I asked my late grandmother many times as a child why we did that and she always just said “it’s rude not to”. I’m not certain she knew why, we just did it. After reading through your blog and noticing similarities in other “southern” customs, I now wonder if these are traditions of our Irish ancestors that have held through the years.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom and culture with us.
Hi Sarah – The links between southern and Irish culture run deep. There are little nuances in our way of doing things, like saying a simple good-bye, that have roots in our Celtic ancestors rituals and customs. As I write these little pieces about my Irish American journey, I learn so much from readers like you, who join in these discussions, and reinforce my theories about cultural links between Ireland and America. Hopefully over the next few months we can delve a little deeper into these simple rituals we share.
Best wishes, and thanks so much for checking out my ramblings.
Mairéad
Good story, but I had always heard it called, a “French Leave”, so I looked that up. The Oxford English Dictionary records: “the custom (in the 18th century prevalent in France and sometimes imitated in England) of going away from a reception, etc. without taking leave of the host or hostess. Hence, jocularly, to take French leave is to go away, or do anything, without permission or notice.” French, British or Irish, it’s still kind of rude to leave anyone’s home without a proper goodbye, in my book.
Hi Philip – Thanks so much for adding to this little discussion. I’m relieved to learn the original term for leaving without bidding adieu is to take “French leave.” The American term an “Irish goodbye” makes no sense to me, since we are notorious for our long goodbyes. But, as you point out, no matter to whom we attribute these abrupt goodbyes, it’s still a very, very rude thing to do.
All the best, and thanks for stopping by.
Mairéad
Hi,
I always enjoy your blog about Ireland and Irish ways! I am American with recent immigrant relatives from County Tyrone. My kids and I (6 of them, yes we are Catholic!) speak to each other like your family, mostly English but lots of Spanish mixed in. I am fluent in both (I am not Hispanic) and so are s few of my kids, in that we live in New Mexico and they are exposed constantly in the school system. Anyway, it has occurred to me that, being of Irish descent, we should be doing the same with Irish too. I found a program called Duolingo and as I learn Irish I mix it in with our conversations. My kids love to say “comhairdes” (I may have spelled that wrong) and “Slan”. They go to school and try to mix Irish words into their conversations just to see if anyone notices!
Hi Colleen – thank you so much for reading my blog and checking out my ramblings about Ireland. New Mexico is a beautiful state – so wonderful that you are bilingual. I always wish I had learned Spanish in school rather than French or German. Speaking Spanish would have served me well when I worked as a physical therapist. And I’m thrilled to hear you are sharing your Irish heritage with your children by teaching them Irish. It is such an expressive language, with wonderful gutteral sounds. Keep up the good work sharing your love of language and your Irishness with your kids.
Best wishes, and thanks for stopping by.
Mairéad