If I Were A Lady …. I’d Wear A Hat

It's Kentucky Derby weekend, and the people of Louisville are donning their finest attire for a day at the races.

Ornate hats will balance atop the heads of well-heeled ladies, as they watch the Run for the Roses tomorrow.

These fashion statements of Churchill Downs may be relics of the past, yet Kentucky racegoers embrace this tradition with gusto each year.

Although my home is in Louisville, I have not yet attended our famous race, but someday I hope to don a wide brimmed, lavishly festooned head piece, to sip mint juleps, as I place my bets at Churchill Downs.

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Poem by Percy French

Every year as I admire the beautiful hats of the Kentucky Derby, I am reminded of a poem I learned in Ireland many years ago.

If I Were A Lady was written by Percy French (1854 ~ 1920), a balladeer and songwriter from County Roscommon.

The first lines of his poem go like this:

"If I were a lady I'd wear a hat

That all the street would be lookin' at."

And every year at Derby time I just can't help but say in my head .....

If I were a lady I'd wear a hat,

That all the Derby'd be lookin' at.

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This poem is one of my favorite party pieces. It's recited in a true Dublin accent, where the ~g at the end of every ~ing word is dropped. The lady of our poem probably lived in one of Dublin's tenement buildings, and she dreamed of being a lady.

I love the wit and nuance of this comedic yet insightful poem. Here it is in it's entirety. I hope you enjoy this poem as much as I do .....

A quick note for reading - the word satine is pronounced sateen, and rhymes with bombazine pronounced bombazeen, when said in a very Dublin accent. Bombazine was a silk and wool blend, and would have been considered far less "posh" than a silky, satin fabric.

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If I Were A Lady

By Percy French

"If I were a lady I’d wear a hat,

That all the street would be lookin’ at.

I’d have a ladies maid, do ye mind,

Who’d button an’ fasten me dress behind.

A dress that was made o’ the finest satine,

.....None of yer bits of bombazine.

An’ the girls would envy and grind their teeth,

As they heard it rustlin’ underneath.

If I were a lady, but sure then I’m not,

These oul' rags are the decentest rags I’ve got.

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If I were a lady, I’d drive to the play

And I’d lift up me opera glasses and say ...

“Oh, I’ve seen this silly review before,

The leading lady’s an awful bore,

Lets all get up when she starts her song,

And go and eat cakes in a restaurant."

Then a powder puff on me nose I’d dab,

An’ drive off home in a taxi cab.

If I were a lady, but sure then I’m not,

For a ticket to the gallery is all I’ve got.

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If I were a lady, a regular swell,

With a hairy boa and a silk umbrell,

'Tis me that’d walk into the Shelbourne Hotel

And order me dinner, "Some pork an’ beans,

And whatever you’ve got in them soup tureens.

Both the sweets an’ a hunk of cheese,

Oh, an’ a bottle of porter please."

Then I’d call for me bill, and settlin’ it,

I’d hand the waiter a thru'penny bit.

If I were a lady, but sure then I’m not,

My dinner comes out of the stirabout pot,

Still, there’s an awful lot of show an’ sham

Maybe I’m better off the way I am!"

And so again this year as I thought about the fine hats to be proudly worn at the races, I started to say to myself ..... "if I were a lady....."

And then I kept going, and created a little verse in the same style as Percy French's classic poem, which I dedicate to all the Kentucky Derby spectators who will end up watching this fabulous race from the comfort of their own couches tomorrow .....